Headache-nya.


Another night I'll be spending my time studying Business Law! How pitiful can that be?! I wrote some down in a text pad till now I'm wondering should I just stop doing so and just read them from the text book..

Sigh.

After Business Law, Business Maths. I'm so gonna be dead. Yet, again I cant stop missing him...

I just hate myself.

Before that, I cried.

I cried it all out, I cried when I'm finally back home from my dad's birthday dinner. I cried while I was having my bath. I cried while I on my pc... Then I stop after MSN done loading.

Why I cried? I'm so stress. Stress of exams. Till today, is the day I knew that I do afraid of exams... I do have all thise phobias. While having dinner with my dad, I nearly burst out in tears... Every minutes pass like water pipe. The more I look at the watch, the fear in my grows.

How pathetic is that?! How can I be feeling all these?? Dad even want tells everyone that I'll be getting my Diploma nxt year. He is so giving me peer pressure!!!

I cant study la...!!!


I want to burst all those in me out of here.
I told him, I would really want to hug him now, and start crying.
But he said he would let me hug, just don't cry.

WTH.


I don't know what to do at all... I don't feel like doing anything.. I feel like dozing off... I am so sleepy... ZzzZzz.... Zzz....

I'm here still online and awake in the silent night of everyone flew to their dreams. I am here brushing my late studies, because in another 7 hours later, I'll be sitting for my paper then.

In this silent night, its my first night to be still awake till that late brushing up my works. My first experiences and it sucks.

How emo can I be?

I am emo now. So emo I don't think I could study anymore.

What can I do? I cant stop thinking of you again.
A thought that can actually kills.
How terrible can that be?

I wanted to hear your voice.
I wanted you to call and cheer me up
I wanted to know you're home safe.

After the election, everyone out here are so afraid of riot.
Everyones talking about crufews
Even my parents stop me from going out at night

That's so unfair.
My dad even worse, he actually have the idea of telling not going to college for exam tomorrow if can.
I was like, If i was fate to be dead like that.

Just let it be.

This blog is mainly about how I feel right now.
The feeling of being needed

Is gone.

The feeling of being protected
is gone.

The feeling of being loved
Is missing.

But in my mind, I know he still love me
I just cant bring my heart to listen.

Is this wrong?
Am i being selfish??

I don't know.

Everyones been telling such a far distance relationships I can hold up for a year.
Everyones been happy for me
Wondering how we did it.


I don't know either.
All I know patience is the first thing we must learn to have.
Second is honest.
Thrid is trusting.

The end is care.


I use to think that finding someone which is near to you, can last even longer than having a distance relationship. I was so wrong. In 24hours, I can break up with a guy of a same city.

That was like ages ago. I was still so childish at the point.

Sigh.

I don't know.

Now i'm still studying... I'm so sick of it.
I'm definitely so tired.

I want to sleep...!!!

This morning, or I should just put it this way.


Just now, I went out to have breakfast with my dad at 0835 hour. We had breakfast in Gunung Rapat then went back to his house, since he asked me for some help to type some letters.

On the way back to my mum's house, I finally took the courage to tell him about my next trip down to KL and my future plan by taking Graphic Design Course.

I first told him about my KL trip since it's the nearest in the calender. I and the others NS gang planned to go down Sunway Lagoon, Subang KL on the 16th till 18th of March. What I got as feedback from ma dad? He asked me to cancel everything, just stay at home. He even start telling me about all kinds of inccident that happened about boming and war between you know what. Hence, the election just over, all malaysian citizen are afraid of you know what.

I lied by telling him everything tickets and hotel rooms we have booked and paid. All my dad said was just cancel all of them, it won't hurt just by loosing a few hundred bucks. I was like... HELLO! Dad, you're rich, I'm not. To me, few hundred bucks worth alot. I can like have a month supply ya know?! I don't care. I'm still going. My mum didn't even stop me from going, she even helped out! Because of election I have to stop all my funs?! NO WAY!


Now, after this issue of going to KL. I told him I would love to take another course after my Diploma in BA, which is Graphic Designs. He started blapping all his old historical stories to me. He said he have everything planned for me, that he want me to get a degree in BA, then after that fucking 4 more years of degree, I can only take my graphic or whatever course! I was like counting..... By the time I had all my certs and so on... I'm like in my LATE 20s'!!!!!

What I had in mind was to start pursuing experienced by 24 years old, and I want to have my own company by 34! Now, I guess I'll all those wrinkles all over ma face and body when i'm still pursuing experience in life. WTF....?!

He even told me that by taking this course was just my fucking hobby. Hobby won't bring you far in life. I NVR thought that would be my hobby. I always loves drawing animation and I'd really love to pursue in that career! I'm taking BA just because of you Dad! BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!

Because of mum facing difficulties in financial problems, I stayed.
Because of you, dad I studied Business to help you out in the future in your company.
Because of you two, I have been so stress!

I want to have my own dreams!

I CANT!

WHY?!

BECAUSE PARENTS GIVE US LIFE, SO WE HAVE TO LISTEN AND RESPECT THEM BY THROWING ALL MY DREAMS AWAY!

I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE IN MY 40S'

I WANT TO HAVE A SIMPLE LIFE.

I DON'T YEARN FOR BIG HOUSE OR NICE CAR

I JUST WANT A NORMAL AND PEACEFUL LIFE.

I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN A SMALL BORKEN WOODEN HOUSE.

AS LONG I'M HAPPY WITH IT

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I WANT TIME, TIME IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE.

WITHOUT TIME, LIFE IS MEANINGLESS.

WHAT CAN ANYONE DO WITHOUT TIME?!

YOU ALL COME AND TELL ME.


Who would understand?! They can get what they want. Everyone asked me what was my dream. All I can tell them was none.

Because if I do. Mum will felt so guilty and you know what.

Might as well I fucked my dream away and forever keep it as a dream.

By doing so, everyone around me will be HAPPY.
Because to them, I don't have vision of life, I'm a fucked up kid. I only know how to use and spend money. I the only kid who have no vision of life. I'm so lame!

HAPPY?!

ARE YOU GUYS HAPPY?!

Why can't I be like other kids?
Why must I bear all the pains and stress for you guys?
Who is going to bear all mine's?
Is anyone going to be there when I fall?
I don't want to hear facts.
I just need someone there.
Physically supportive in whatever I do.
Yeah, that person will only exist in my dream.

So now i'm hoping for darurat*curfew*
I can just step out of the house and get shot to death.
Then again, I can be in my dreams forever.....

and ever.

Yay...! Something is really wrong with my notebook today. Finally it reads my memory card. So I can do my posting now. So sorry ya???

First of all, I would love to wish my mum a happy belated birthday again. It was her birthday yesterday and we went out to have dinner at night with her friends tagged along as well.

What I got for her?

A birthday card!

Then as for today, it's my dad's birthday! Wishing him happy birthday as well... I too got him a card for his birthday!

I made them in Stella's house. Thankyou for lending me your pc and printer too giving me these free paper and envelops! Thanksyou so much! Treat ya nxt time ya???

Okay, back to my mum's birthday. Her friends got her a sponge cake! Don't know what it tastes like. Feel like having it but very lazt to cut it. Heee.....!

Looks tasty right? I'm so hungry now. I felt like ordering Mcd... But saving money for my coming KL trip... What to do?! sobz....

Heard the STPM results will be out soon... All the very best to those who took STPM!! But a very bad luck for me to be taking my exams. sigh....!

I have some SO BELATED post to post here. Some Valentine post.

What did I got from my sweethearT???

He bought me a mine-alesi model of both of us.

Cute??? It does quite look like us... Hee...! Happy-nya... But this two model is still located in KL.. I still cant get hold of 'em... Sobz...!

But I did another Valentine suprise for him. On the 19th of Feb, I ordered a mini49 cupcakes over to his working office!

Ta-da!

Looks tasty right? But my name spell wrong agaiN!!! So hate it.

I want to eat... Heard his mum ate most of them.. the taste?? Very nice. So tempting after hearing her mother said so...!!!!

Now, I'm so hungry, still deciding on what to eat...! Wondering as well what will be the results of the Elections and will there be curfew??? Even my mum is afriad so.

Since i'm quite emo lately, mum said if there's curfew, no one can go out. If one does, they'll be prosecuded. So, I thought of going out!

Hahaha...

You might all think i'm insane..

Because I am... Hee...!!!

I have a very bad news to shout out... Very very bad.... Because of it, I feel like dying.
















My freaking computer couldn't read my memory card from my sony W800i....! I cant upload any photos! OMG...!!!










How can this happen to me? I have so many photos yet to be uploaded into my blog post, when I finally found the right time, this happened to mE?!!

Why goD?!

What is wrong with all the spacing in this blog?!


Why cant I do spacing?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?????????


DARN!

I'm Back!!!

Did anyonE misS mE???

Or it's just Me??

Ok, is just me.

I'm being the perasan case here.

So sorry guys!

Haven't been updating my blog lately

Ya know... Been very busy

Moreover exam is just around the corner! What could possiblely be worse than that?! Other than exam, I guess I have ate too much *uncountable* mandarine orange in the Chinese New Year time period, and it has gotten me having those 'fong mok' all around me body including ma FACE!!!!! OMG....!!!

'You gotta be kidding me'

I guess this will be on your mind right?

But its damn freaking true.

You can so ask Stella.

Sigh!

It has been almost weeks since I last updated my blog.

Really am so sorry.

please forgive my absence.

Well, alot of things had happened for the past few weeks.

A lot or arguements, stress, tears, and stories happened!

But, things are fine now...

*I guess so*

I'm hoping everything will be fine after the 11th.

Because....

I'm so having exam on the 10th and the 11th of March!

Does anyone know how horrifying is that?!

Does anyone know how terrible is that?!

Does anyone know how freaking scary is that?!

I definitely do! Because I'm damn freak out by it.

Imagine, if one paper were to be failed or not enough marks to pass... I have to pay ya know?!?!?!?!

Where to get those money?!

I don't want to give all my hard earn money out to that fucking college!

What can I do?!

I studied hard!!!!

I tried everything!!!

Inclding you know what.

But still no use!

I'm partly scaring myself anyway....

hahhahahha....!!

Don't worry guys!

Since i'm cold blooded.

I don't think I will have any feelings for anything.

heeee!

Therefore, for now I guess I'll stop right here.

Just to let you all know that I'll be back!

So do drop by when free!!

Thank you!

I would like to say...

ThankYou Bell Bell!

Thanks for being there when I needed someone so badly...!!!

Thanks for crying first before I even get the chance to! *wink*

I know I have been so emo lately, I really do need a shoulder to lean on... Or should I say to see someone else cry than me-self...! *giggle*

Yes, I've been down lately, but I feel so much better now.

I went over to Bell's house this morning, as I really needed someone to talk to about it. A friend in need, definitely.

I was so emo, I was crying myself out while I was still on the way to Bell's house. However, I turned out to be laughing more than crying when I see Bell's face.

I haven't even said a thing, as I know my eyes were filled with tears.. She cry instantsly and I was shocked!

I could make someone cry by having teary eyes????

I didn't know I have such miracle powers?! Just joking! *grin*

Overall, this blog post is mainly to thanks Bell for being there when I'm in need of a friend!

ThankYou

Love You

Muakz...!!!

Emo Again

Reviewing my blog is seems to be like a mess...!!

I typed those two blog post while using Microsoft Words... By moving them over editing them again has done nothing to change the way of my blog post!!!

I'm like WTH....!!

Fine, i'm done with editing and I started being emo AGAIN! Lame old Me!!!

I went to bed to get some rest since I have sleeping disorder lately that I have been sleeping just 6 to 7 hours lately... Which I need about 10 to 11 hours of sleep to recharge myself!

Crawl myself up to bed, feeling cozy and comfy.

Finally, I thought. I could have some beauty sleep for goodness sake.



However... My brain cells like fooling around with me! Started being more and more emo...

Thinking more and more nonsense, nevertheless I got myself crying like a baby!!

What's wrong with Me?!!
How can I be so emo all of a sudden?

I need someone now, so badly!!
But I was thinking, what if the person ask what's wrong with me, how am I suppose to answer him or her?!


Then knowing that I couldn't find the answer myself, I throw my phone far away enough so that no one could reach it...










Anyway, no one WILL be reaching my phone except for myself. -.-'''









Soon I got myself into semi-concious later then until quite some time I became concious at the time of 1800. I make myself crawl up to where my phone is and looking at it... I guess it lasted more than 5 minutes of stillness looking at my phone.


Looking at it, wondering what I should do with it.
Wondering who I should call.
Should I call him, to say Hi?



Should I just throw the damn phone away again and get myself to bed again.










Well, I made up my mind by dialing to him. Yeah, he's definitely busy. So chatted awhile then the phone hung up by itself. Guess it's time for me to shut up!






He ring back and I'm like... Chill girl, chill... Act normal instead of emo!






Yes, I think I pulled it off this time! But sigh.... I don't know what to do anymore.


It has been a stressful week. I'm not in the mood for anything... I just wanted to sit at the edge of every corner I could be.


I don't want anyone to notice what or how I was doing. I literally felt apart.
Soon mum came in and I nearly yelled at her.... for no reason! I'm like... I don't even know what's gotten into me!!!


Somebody out there... tell me what's wrong with me or start stabbing me with a knife!


I guess I might feel so much better!
I really got all my emotions mixed up and I can't do anything about it!




This is purely depression. Don't try this at home kids, you'll regret or you might even commit suicide?




Now, I feel like throwing me notebook away, everything away!
I even thought of hitting myself with the notebook.
That sounds better right?


Hitting myself with a notebook...
I'm so going crazy.

*This post was written on the 15th of Feb*

Many things had happened last night, as I was being so upset over a small matter. I also finally realized that I should not have been so ego, I really do have to think before I act. I was still keeping some secret from him, because I did not knew how to tell him about it. Since last night, I felt so much better blah-ing all out at him.

Yes, I am sorry. I know I have been naïve, because of the self-centered me, we argued. Last night, I went out with Stella, Bell and too Neven. They were out celebrating Valentine, as I too was together. As you all know, Bell got me a lovely rose… Thank you Bell. Love you so much!! No doubt is not the first rose I received in Valentine, but it’s definitely the first rose I got from a lovely friend like you. Too is the first pink colour rose I have got.

When I was out with them, I was still being cool. I tried to calm myself down and let everything out of my head, and since it was Valentine, I tried to focus on enjoying my valentine with these friends of mine instead of being the emo, and dull me. Knowing he will be heading to Loong’s house for a prayer... I was still chill. Nevertheless, when I got home, I felt so miserable that I felt like tearing myself apart. He messaged me when his home, I am happy yet sad. However, I told him not to call since it was already 2 in the morning, I know he needed rest since he have to get up early the next day... Yet he called. I am touch but again I still felt miserable.

He asked me why, I did not know how to answer. I lost track of expressing myself out.

Sounds funny right??

How anyone could lose way of expressing himself or herself?

But, yes I did. If you ask me how, I do not even know how it happened.

I know I got him upset.

I know I hurt him a lot.

I know I am not a good or perfect girlfriend.

Okay and yes. I have promised him I would drop this issue.

However, I am just blogging, okay? Please do not get angry or upset again.

I hate seeing him being upset. I really rather I get all his pain, least I know I will slowly recover… He asked me to delete that particular blog I have post. I have done so. Do not worry too; I have dropped the issue as well.

*wink*

*dup*

Last night, I asked him about his point of view about me. He told me I am an incomplete heart has yet to be paint. Well… I am a very lazy person; I really do love to if he paints that particular part for me.

Yeah… Yeah… Yeah… I am asking stuff form him again…

Sigh.

I do not know why again I am feeling so down. I should be happy and cheerful when I wake up this morning. Hence, worse still I am feeling sick and sleepy. Guess I am just lack of sleeping??

Yes, most of my readers know I have insomnia… I do not even know when I got it. Maybe 4 or 5 years back?

This morning, I realized something I had been wondering all the time, and having doubts on it as well. Before I spill what it is, I would like to say I like and hate it at the same time. I am so confusing myself, and guess I am confusing you guys as well. Sorry.

I am a gadget lover, especially on mobile phones. I first own a mobile phone was in year 2001; I was still doing my Form 1. I still remember it cost me a hundred ringgit to get a Sim Card! Can you imagine now I can get 10 of them??!!! Oh my Freaking God….!!

My very first model was a second-handed Ericsson phone. Bought it for RM200. Mahal sgt at that time.

Then came the internet, having a pc at home, going online knowing net friends. Getting more and more numbers. Soon, in 2002 my sim went out of space for me to save up my new contacts…! Crazy shit..!

In Year 2001 an Ericsson phone

In Year 2002 a Nokia 3310

In Year 2003 a Nokia 7210

In Year 2004 a Nokia 5350

In the middle of Year 2004 a Nokia 3100

In Year 2005 a Nokia 6260

In Year 2006 a Nokia 6670

In the Year of 2007, I finally settle my phone with Sony Ericsson W800i

Coming soon… Nokia 6500 slide or N82???

Who knows??

I wasted so many bloody RM in mobile phones…!! You want to know why?

First, I fancy all new technology but actually I just wanted to show off I had the latest phone!

Come to think of it now, I was pathetically naïve and bloody stupid.

I don’t even know why this thought came into me…!!!

For now, I don’t wish to own the latest phone that’s on the market. I just need a phone, with enough memory space for me to save all the important messages in my phone. Knowing that others will call or even message me and definitely not owning the most high-tech phone in the market yet the phone itself will not even ring once.

Waking up, knowing the phone will not even ring… It really hurts my feeling thou I do not know why.

However, when I just wanted to be alone so much…! Throwing my phone and everything aside, peoples, friends they all came ringing to my mobile, house phone and even cannot stop nudging me in MSN!!

This is really, what I hate most.

When I am feeling so down and unhappy, when I do need the goddamn mobile to ring. It kept silence until I was literally pushing myself to the edge… Even if I would call up, I get all kind of excuses… busy and so on. *sigh*

I really do still feel like changing new mobile phones. But I’m now lack of RM in my account. So many things to plan and buy. Wish list as long as a scroll….!!

Yet, I finally realized, is not technology that matters, it is when your phone rings and knowing someone out there is caring and loving you. I too realized how excited I am to know he would call up. I would wait for that call... I would wait for my phone to ring. But I hate hanging up of coz! *wink* and he hates that…! Sorry!

Now, I am still waiting. I missed out his call this morning. I’m waiting for it to ring again now… Wondering what will he be doing, has he had his lunch yet? Is he ok?

I know I am super duper worried and protective over him.

I want him to have the best girlfriend in the world

I want him to be the happiest person on earth.

I want him to beloved

I want him to know he is not alone.

I want him to know a pair of ears is here to listen anytime

I want him to know there is a pair of shoulders to lean on whenever he wants.

I want him to know there is always an open arms waiting for him.

Hence, I have failed to do most of them…

What a terrible girlfriend I am…

Guess I know why no ones want me…! *giggle*