Where Dreams Falls Apart

This morning, or I should just put it this way.


Just now, I went out to have breakfast with my dad at 0835 hour. We had breakfast in Gunung Rapat then went back to his house, since he asked me for some help to type some letters.

On the way back to my mum's house, I finally took the courage to tell him about my next trip down to KL and my future plan by taking Graphic Design Course.

I first told him about my KL trip since it's the nearest in the calender. I and the others NS gang planned to go down Sunway Lagoon, Subang KL on the 16th till 18th of March. What I got as feedback from ma dad? He asked me to cancel everything, just stay at home. He even start telling me about all kinds of inccident that happened about boming and war between you know what. Hence, the election just over, all malaysian citizen are afraid of you know what.

I lied by telling him everything tickets and hotel rooms we have booked and paid. All my dad said was just cancel all of them, it won't hurt just by loosing a few hundred bucks. I was like... HELLO! Dad, you're rich, I'm not. To me, few hundred bucks worth alot. I can like have a month supply ya know?! I don't care. I'm still going. My mum didn't even stop me from going, she even helped out! Because of election I have to stop all my funs?! NO WAY!


Now, after this issue of going to KL. I told him I would love to take another course after my Diploma in BA, which is Graphic Designs. He started blapping all his old historical stories to me. He said he have everything planned for me, that he want me to get a degree in BA, then after that fucking 4 more years of degree, I can only take my graphic or whatever course! I was like counting..... By the time I had all my certs and so on... I'm like in my LATE 20s'!!!!!

What I had in mind was to start pursuing experienced by 24 years old, and I want to have my own company by 34! Now, I guess I'll all those wrinkles all over ma face and body when i'm still pursuing experience in life. WTF....?!

He even told me that by taking this course was just my fucking hobby. Hobby won't bring you far in life. I NVR thought that would be my hobby. I always loves drawing animation and I'd really love to pursue in that career! I'm taking BA just because of you Dad! BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!

Because of mum facing difficulties in financial problems, I stayed.
Because of you, dad I studied Business to help you out in the future in your company.
Because of you two, I have been so stress!

I want to have my own dreams!

I CANT!

WHY?!

BECAUSE PARENTS GIVE US LIFE, SO WE HAVE TO LISTEN AND RESPECT THEM BY THROWING ALL MY DREAMS AWAY!

I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE IN MY 40S'

I WANT TO HAVE A SIMPLE LIFE.

I DON'T YEARN FOR BIG HOUSE OR NICE CAR

I JUST WANT A NORMAL AND PEACEFUL LIFE.

I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN A SMALL BORKEN WOODEN HOUSE.

AS LONG I'M HAPPY WITH IT

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I WANT TIME, TIME IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE.

WITHOUT TIME, LIFE IS MEANINGLESS.

WHAT CAN ANYONE DO WITHOUT TIME?!

YOU ALL COME AND TELL ME.


Who would understand?! They can get what they want. Everyone asked me what was my dream. All I can tell them was none.

Because if I do. Mum will felt so guilty and you know what.

Might as well I fucked my dream away and forever keep it as a dream.

By doing so, everyone around me will be HAPPY.
Because to them, I don't have vision of life, I'm a fucked up kid. I only know how to use and spend money. I the only kid who have no vision of life. I'm so lame!

HAPPY?!

ARE YOU GUYS HAPPY?!

Why can't I be like other kids?
Why must I bear all the pains and stress for you guys?
Who is going to bear all mine's?
Is anyone going to be there when I fall?
I don't want to hear facts.
I just need someone there.
Physically supportive in whatever I do.
Yeah, that person will only exist in my dream.

So now i'm hoping for darurat*curfew*
I can just step out of the house and get shot to death.
Then again, I can be in my dreams forever.....

and ever.